Merry Christmas from Crawfish One!

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Unprecedented Melee Mars Christmas at Jonquil Hall

Smashed ornaments, cups of eggnog, and Christmas clothing litter the scene of the melee.

GREENVILLE—In a bizarre twist of events, two on-duty Greeneville police officers and two off-duty reserve officers were required to quell what has been described as an eggnog-soaked brawl at the 59th Annual Jonquil Hall Christmas Open House last Saturday. The event, co-sponsored by the Butler County Historical Society, Greenville Garden & Bridge Club, and the Fort Dale DAR Chapter, was intended to showcase holiday decorations at the antebellum home. Police Chief Lanny Williams reports, “At 4:18 p.m., an anonymous call was placed to the authorities reporting a disturbance at Jonquil Hall. An officer arrived to find several incidents in progress. He called for backup. When that was deemed insufficient, calls were placed to two reserve duty officers.” The police report all four officers were still unsuccessful in subduing the crowd, and were forced to resort to blaring music broadcast by Montgomery urban radio station WZHT Hot 105.7 from a police car loud speaker to clear the house.

Witnesses at the scene speculate about the origins of the chaos. Says Greenville Garden & Bridge Club President Eleanor “Tiddy” Tidwell Boyce, “I believe that the unpleasantness started when a few guests overindulged in Viola Nell Davis’s homemade eggnog and Delia Gray Graves’ bourbon balls. I don’t believe such indecent behavior has happened at Jonquil Hall since the Union occupation.” Apparently, Davis, 87, poured a liter of bourbon into the eggnog at home, and forgetting the volatile ingredient had been added, had one of the kitchen assistants add a second bottle shortly after arriving at the gathering. This miscalculation, coupled with a particularly potent batch of bourbon balls, has been cited as the cause of the subsequent breakdown of decorum on multiple fronts.

Chief Williams reports, “We know of four separate incidents . There may have been more, but we’re not sure, since so many of the ladies scattered to the safety of their Buicks and Cadillacs when they were startled by Lil Wayne’s hit single ‘Mrs. Officer’.” With much of the crowd dispersed, officers were able to address three altercations still occurring inside, along with a fourth incident. Although the police were unclear about what may have spawned the incidents, confidential sources at the scene when the violence erupted provided exclusive details to The Vidalia staff.

Sources confirm the first conflict to erupt at the scene was between fellow Bridge & Garden Club and DAR members Effie Mae Davis Holloway and Millicent Neal Wynn, both 76. A witness reports that the two latched onto each other’s hair after both reached for the last cheese straw. The struggle was over much more than the homemade cracker, no matter how delicious. “It was about so much more. Effie Mae never forgave Millie after she bought the same silk throw pillows at the Montgomery Gayfer’s in 1974, especially since Ellie Mae refuse to tell Millie where she bought them in the first place,” reported a fellow Garden & Bridge Club member.

A subsequent fight erupted when Butler County Historical Society Secretary and Event Co-chair Claire Wynn Gray, 47, attacked Missy Daniels Gray, 26, a former paralegal in the offices of Charles Stewart Gray. A Butler County Historical Society Tour Guide commented, “Well, Missy and Charles got married last year, and it was only one month after he finalized his divorce from Claire. Honestly, I guess it’s an open house, but I can’t believe Missy showed up. And then Blayne and Newell had to start again.”

Well known local choir directors, Anglophiles, and theater volunteers Blayne Morissey and Newell Dale were again involved in a tussle, this time over the manger scene centerpiece Morissey created for the event. “Blayne handmade the scene out of kudzu vines, pinestraw, and azalea branches, and he even hand-carved all of the figures out of Cashmere Bouquet soap. He was just telling some of the ladies that he modeled the Baby Jesus after Prince Harry when Newell came up and snorted that everyone knows Prince William is much more Christ-like. this began round two of the unseemly row that began in September at Greensboro’s Las Pampas (see September 14 “Unexpected Altercation”). It was terrible, I had heard those two had been at it before, but I just didn’t believe it. They seem like such nice boys.” reported a DAR Chapter member.

In the final, disturbing twist of event, the police took Mavis Holloway Neal, 64, into custody for indecent exposure after she was found by officers dancing in only a holiday dickie in the kitchen. The object of her affection was believed to be, Lance Morris, 52, who escorted his mother to the event, and was in the kitchen entertaining a group of Garden & Bridge Club Members with delightful stories of his summer in the Greek Isles. “Oh, it was terrible,” whispered one of the event hosts, “Mavis dropped her punch cup and started dancing in front of Lance. She even took off her sequined holly cardigan. He looked so frightened! And Mavis didn’t even know to stop when the police arrived.”

All charges against event attendees have since been dropped, and local residents are hoping the event will soon be forgotten. Plans for next year’s 60th Anniversary are uncertain, since many of the interviewed parties have conceded it may be advisable the traditional gathering is shelved for the next several years. An effort is afoot to move the event to the Greenville Baptist Church Tidmore Fellowship Hall.

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Bargain Hunter Uncovers National Treasure in Area Flea Market

Paint by number of famed melancholy clown Emmett

Kelly, which concealed a national treasure

GREENSBORO—A bewildered bargain hunter had his suspicions confirmed by Sotheby's document experts, who verified that a document recovered from a frame he purchased at the Greensboro Flea Market is in fact an original copy of the Declaration of Independence. The purchaser, who prefers to remain anonymous, found the parchment scrap in a non-descript wooden frame behind an oil painting of a frowning clown. The buyer explains his motivation in selecting an item that has been passed over by several years' worth of customers, "I've probably passed the picture several dozen times, since it was under a bunch of dirty jelly jar glasses decorated with geese and a ceramic coconut. That day, when I finally took a longer look, I couldn't resist such a perfect example of mid-century kitsch."



When the buyer pulled the back off of the bulky wooden frame to remove the clown painting, which was signed by local artist Beatrice Reese Davis, he noticed an old document, which turned out to be a yellowed, creased, and slightly mouse-eaten copy of the Declaration. The anonymous buyer reports that he figured the Declaration was a cheap souvenir copy printed for tourists probably purchased during one of the local Rotary Club's many bus trips to our nation's capital. However, he still showed both items to another friend who is locally renowned for his hoard of items described as old, heavy, and unwanted by anyone else. The astute collector determined that, although signed by an artist, the clown was not an original painting and was in fact from a paint-by-numbers kit typically sold at discount stores in the 1950s and 1960s. He also noted that the document may have been printed on vellum, not cheap artificially yellowed paper. Further consultation with document experts at the Alabama Department of Archive and History and National Archives confirmed the authenticity of the document.

Local residents are surprised by the find. Eugenia Hollis Bonner, 87, of Greensboro, explains, "Mrs. Davis was known as a talented painter, and she claimed to have studied at the Louvre. We all figured that the horses, sailboats, and clowns she painted were her work. I received several from her as hostess gifts and have until now proudly displayed them in my dining room." Other local widows report buying paintings nearly a decade ago from the local art gallery, during a show run by the always delightful Kendall Burke. Burke's reputation, which was already tarnished last summer by the "High Tea at the Ceinture Noir" debacle, has taken another beating in the affair. Fortunately Mrs. Davis, who passed away ten years ago at the age of 99, was not alive to see her fraud exposed.

Genealogical research has revealed how the document ended up in Alabama and has further scandalized the Davis family. The descendants of notable citizen Charles Watson Davis have lived on Main Street for generations, since Dale migrated to the region from coastal South Carolina. While the Davis's do not trace their ancestry back to original signers, research by Vidalia staffers have uncovered court records indicating that original South Carolina signer Thomas Heyward, Jr.'s son filed theft charges in Charleston against a stable boy of Welsh descent identified as Charles Davis. Davis apparently disappeared from Heyward's estate sometime in the 1820s, absconding with, "a horse, a pork belly, one sack of flour, three wheels of cheese, some important papers, and a silver spoon," as well as Heyward's youngest daughter, who was believed to be in a family way at the time. No indication of the nature of the papers is mentioned in the original writ, but it is assumed that the Declaration is one of them. After his daring disappearance, Davis apparently later settled in Greensboro, added the Watson to his name, and began his career as a prominent planter. Beatrice and her husband Charles Watson Davis III died with no direct descendants and no one knowing of the family's secret scandal. The valuable portions of their estate were snapped up by various Davis nieces and nephews. The remainder of the material has languished in the Greensboro Flea Market for the past decade, and is slowly being bought piece by piece.

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Recent Events

November’s social calandar was full. Here are some of the highlights from the Blackbelt’s society capital-







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Personals Page

Compiled by Tootsy McAlpine

SUCCUMBED, Iola Newbigging, aged 91, after a brief illness following the capture of her 42 cats by the newly established Hale County Humane Society.

Free cats available to loving homes. Not fixed, only occasionally litter trained. Will eat only hard candy, sausage grease, and moldy biscuits. Prefer Queen Charlotte’s Dainty Fine Dry Snuff to cat nip. Pick up at the Hale County Humane Society office during their open hours, Mondays 2-3 p.m.

The flowers on the altar at Atkins Station Church of Christ were placed by Mr.Wilton Leakes in honor of the 40th anniversary of his brother Milton’s deathby drowning in the bathtub after the Inaugural All-You-Can-Eat Special at The Paw Paw Patch.

LOST, during margarita night at Los Pampas last Thursday night, one pink suede bracelet with rhinestone letters spelling “Biatch.” Some rhinestones may be missing. Call Krystal at 334-111-7588.

HELP WANTED, due to increase in customers after good review in The Vidalia, we need some more day shift helpers at the Fast ‘n’ Easy Gas ‘n’ GuzzleChicken Counter. Must have steel toe boots. Hair nets and grease socks supplied.

Mrs. Edith Smaw still has some Family Circles available for winter insulation.Back issues from 1960 to 1963 up next.

Blayne Morrisey found a dirty black sharpei eating from his garbage can last night. Appears to have fleas and beginning onset of the mange. Can be picked up at his house any time before dark, except on Nov. 24 during remembrance of Prince Charles’ birthday.

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Loose Goats Overrun Courthouse, Ingest 50 Years of Historic County Records

Alleged alpha goat, known to his owner Rufus Thomas as Slick Billie Clinton.

EUTAW—Local history was dealt a stunning blow last week in the seat of Greene County, when nearly 50 years worth of court records were destroyed by loose livestock. Greene County Chief Forensic Investigator, Traffic Engineer, and Justice of the Peace Roy Mailer has been attempting to reconstruct the chain of events that culminated with the discovery of a herd of goats inside the old county courthouse, where they dined upon bound rolls of nineteenth century court records. Says Mailer, "It was a disturbing scene. They were treating the inside of the courthouse like their own personal buffet and toilet."

The two dozen rogue goats were part of a herd kept in a small yard two blocks off of the Eutaw town square by Rufus Collins. In an exclusive interview, Collins explained his business plan to Vidalia, "I got them goats for from the Mexicans what come to town recently. I sell the milk to the Piggly Wiggly, and tell 'em it's organic or free range or whatever it is that them Yankee hippies want. Sometimes I'll sell one to a group of proper young Southern men come down from the University. I don't know what that's about, but they's money in goats."


In a sparsely attended press conference, Mailer recreated the chain of events on the fateful day. Says Mailer, "At noon, 106 year old widow Mrs. Henrietta White Pitt set out from her home on Mesopotamia Street in her 1985 Cadillac Sedan DeVille on her Monday trip to the Piggly Wiggly. While in route to the store, Mrs. Pitt apparently became confused, thinking that the metal goat shed was in fact the grocery store. She turned her car into the goat pen, knocking down the electric fence. Realizing she was in the wrong place, she then backed away and left the scene. There were no witnesses, since most town motorists and pedestrians tend to take cover around the time of her weekly grocery store run. Officer Penson was immediately able to identify the mark of Mrs. Pitt's vehicle by the familiar telltale streaks of yellow paint on the crushed goat shed."


Mailer further explained that the goats, sensing a weakness in the fence, poured out of their pen and made their way into the town square. Their point of ingress to the old courthouse was a broken first-story window. Mailer, who is also the Eutaw City Manager, reports, "That window has been broken for two years. Someone smashed it one weekend during a one-time performance by Rappin' Preacher Jerome and Family's Traveling Tent Revival Extravaganza on Pentecost Sunday. I suspect it occurred during a rousing chorus of 'Ride On King Jesus'. I've told our county maintenance man to fix that window, but panes haven't been in stock in at the hardware store since the 2005 hurricane season."


Mailer estimates the goats were inside the old courthouse for roughly an hour before Collins noticed they were missing. According to the official report of events, during that brief span, the ravenous hoard managed to consume the bulk of the first 50 years of Greene County legal history. Mailer is considering urging fellow members of the County Commission to vote on an ordinance banning livestock within a five block radius of the courthouse.


Other locals have differing opinions, however. Liddy White Kirk, Mrs. Pitt's 86 year-old great-niece, expressed some skepticism at the version of events offered up by the local government. "Well," says Kirk, "It's not like those court rolls hadn't been damaged by all the rain coming in that broken window long before the goats got in there. Roy is just looking for someone to blame, since the county hasn't collected enough taxes to be able to afford to fix that window. You know, he's also the Tax Assessor." Charges will not be filed against Mrs. Pitt for leaving the scene of the accident, since, as Mailer says, "All parties involved know that it's Rufus's dang fault for putting that stupid goat pen right along Mrs. Pitt's Piggly Wiggly route."
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Restaurant Review | Fast ‘n’ Easy Gas & Guzzle Chicken Counter

** (Very Good)

Not All Chickens Go to Heaven



reviewed by Quintus Lutius Cincinattus Tait

In Lowndesboro, I have discovered the secret to chicken salvation. If chickens are bad, they go to a fast food fried chicken restaurant, but if they spend their six weeks living a good, wholesome life, they can only wish to spend an eternity chopped to pieces, breaded, fried, and basking in the glow of the heat lamps at the Fast ‘n’ Easy Gas & Guzzle Chicken Counter. There they lounge, clad in new crispy, golden skins, alongside tater logs, corn dogs, fish sticks, and okra, dripping grease onto fluffy clouds of white paper towels. Meanwhile, eager customers squint through the grease-spattered Pearly Gates, waiting to draw them back to the realm of earthly delights.

While some of the food offerings reference the divine, the story behind the Fast ‘n’ Easy Gas & Guzzle chicken counter belongs far more in the earthly realm. Last year, residents of Lowndesboro drew a collective gasp of devastation when the rumor that Chuckles Fried Chicken had dropped the Fast ‘n’ Easy Gas & Guzzle from their franchise list circulated far and wide. Even more shocking was the fried chicken beak incident. Owner Wayne Pyles steadfastly refused to answer questions about it, a strategy that allowed him to quickly reopen his hot food counter without a noticeable fall-off in patronage. Pyles stoicism is a food lovers gain, since shedding the burdensome yoke of the Chuckles Fried Chicken Franchise Fryer Standards Handbook has allowed the women behind Pyles’ counter, longtime co-workers Miss Dottie and Miss Odella, to expand into the unchartered reaches of the deep fryer pool.

To truly take advantage of all the F ‘n’ E, as it has been dubbed by locals in the know, it’s necessary to sample their entire rotating daily menu. Miss Dottie and Miss Odella show up at 4:30 in the morning to start working hand-rolling biscuits. Alone, the biscuits are serviceably fluffy and buttery, and the biscuit combinations are hit or miss. The pieces of fried bologna are a salty revelation, especially when adorned with grape jelly squeezed fresh from a plastic pouch. Less successful are the biscuits filled with small split hot dogs regular customers refer to as “red hots”, which taste exactly as expected, like unidentifiable fatty pork parts blended with salt and nitrates and crammed into a casing. The sausage gravy is delicious at 5 AM, serviceable by 6:00, but by 7:00 after two hours of warming over a can of sterno, it is gummy, flavorless mess.

After 10 AM, the lunch menu makes it way out of the fryer, and the pieces of chicken ascended from the deep fryer basket towards the divine. Not everything at the counter is a hit. The onion rings are clearly purchased pre-made, as are the taquitos. The corn dogs are merely a reworking of the unappealing breakfast red hots, this time shrouded in greasy cornbread, which does not make for an improvement. The fried okra was excessively slimy, even for okra, and somehow still wrapped in a dried out cornmeal skin.

But the chicken, oh, the chicken. On three separate occasions, I sampled drumsticks, breasts, and a liver and gizzards sampler. For the most part, the skins were crispy and flavorful, and the meat fell apart in my mouth. On the right day, this is the Black Belt ambrosia, the food of the rural gods. The exception to this is the fried chicken livers, which are metallic and chewy, making them best left as catfish bait. When accompanied with a perfectly spiced tater log, a new religion was born. All the rest of you can get your visions of heaven at Sunday services, but I’ll take mine at the Fast ‘n’ Easy.

* *

Intersection of US 80 and AL Highway 97, Lowndesboro

ATMOSPHERE: A convenience store

SOUND LEVEL: Background radio varies by cashier shift from Party Blues to right-wing talk; cash register and video poker noise sometimes gets loud

RECOMMENDED DISHES: Gizzards, breasts, drumsticks, tater logs

WINE LIST: A series of fortified wines and chilled white zinfandels are available for purchase in the refrigerator case in the back. The one to the left…no, your other left.

PRICE RANGE: $.59 to $3.95

HOURS: 5 AM – 2PM, but arrive at the beginning of shifts when food has spent minimal time under the heat lamps

RESERVATIONS: Not accepted. Anyone hoping for a seat will be disappointed. On all visits to the restaurant at practically all hours of the day all booths were taken up by the same crowd of tobacco chewing old men in overalls and trucker hats

CREDIT CARDS: All forms of payment accepted (with the exception of checks written by Dwight Barker, Cindy Price, and Mickey Taylor).

WHEELCHAIR ACCESS: Accessible


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Christ Temple Suffers a Salvation Near Miss at Altar Call

BRUNDIDGE—Eternal Time stood still last Sunday at the Christ Temple Church in downtown Brundidge. It was a Sunday that the faithful will not soon forget. Jerry Martin made his first appearance inside the church since the funeral for his father, who passed in 1999. According to a witness for Christ, Martin’s appearance at the 11 o’clock service raised the congregation’s hope for a miracle salvation, and became the biggest event since prayers were said for the return of the collection plate stolen after last January’s New Year’s tithing. (It was found the following week by a highway department worker in a ditch about a mile from the church.) According to reports from several of the members of the congregation, Martin seemed poised to enter the aisle at the altar call as Preacher Dale pulled out all stops, moving expertly from invoking the Sweet Name of Jesus to painting the most glaringly vivid visuals of Hell anyone at Christ Temple had ever before seen. One member recalled how everyone in the church kept staring at Jerry, who became the center of attention as the tearful eyes of both saved and un-saved fixated on him while “Just as I Am” was played for the umpteenth time.


Tension in the flock was highest when Martin seemed to lean a little toward the center isle during the end of the third verse; causing Preacher Dale glanced over at the piano and nod for another round. This back and forth went on for about ten or fifteen minutes before a defeated Preacher Dale and an emotionally drained congregation finally gave up at around noon-thirty. Martin, head down and with the faintest wisp of a smile, never budged from the pew except to exit quickly by the side door at the front of the church after the service. “It was kind of quiet after Brother Dale let us go and we all walked outside. My dad gone stomach was starting to growl I was so hungry” said long time member Duncan (“Trip”) Griffith who summed up everyone’s feelings. Griffith, visibly upset at the scene in the church added, “Jerry knows good and well that the NASCAR race started at noon. He thinks it’s funny; that SOB did this just make us all late to get home. He’d better not bring his gimpy behind up here to this church no more. We’ll just send him across the street and let the Methodists have him! Just walk down and get saved for Christ’s sake!”—Clement P. Tate


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Personals Page

Compiled by Miss Virginia "Tootsie" McAlpine

The PawPaw Patch in Eutaw will be hosting a Monday afternoon training course in using their dining room defibrillator. Attendance is mandatory for employees and all regular customers are encouraged to attend. Also, we are now hiring experienced fry cooks. Apply in person.

Bobby Gee, Sr. has three mud tires, a Bronco passenger seat (beige), and a set of wipers for an ’87 El Camino for sale at his place in Sprott. Please call Bobby when you get to the first locked gate.

Yard sale Saturday, 7 a.m. to noon. Greene Street, Marion (not Greene Street, Greensboro, Eutaw, or Linden). Camping gear, beer-making kit, talking bass plaque, 12gauge Remington shotgun, antique 22 cal. rifle, TailGator towing system custom fit for a late model GMC Tahoe, vintage UA cap collection, partially used case of Beano, busted Penn reel, 15 years’ back issues of select men’s magazines, 1964 penny collection, framed Bear Bryant print, cammo waders, 2-stroke Johnson outboard (needs work), and much more! Call Genie Foster for more info.

Mrs. Dickie Bay will begin giving harpsichord lessons at her home on Main Street. All interested should stop by between 4 and 5 on Thursday afternoon for a brief interview.

The flowers on the altar at First Baptist for each Sunday in October will be placed by Keith Foster in honor of his wedding anniversary with his wife, Genie.

Mike and Christie Vickers just returned from a 3 day cruise from Mobile to the Cancun. Mr. Vickers reports that the burritos down there can’t beat the ones at our own Los Pampas!

Newell Dale would like to report a missing black sharpei dog. Answers to the name “Blayne.” Reward!

New Canaan AME Church is having a fish fry this Saturday to raise money for a new drum set and sound system. $8.00 plate includes two fillets, baked beans, greens, and a roll.

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New Residents at White Hall Defy Interpretation

EUTAW—Long-time residents of Eutaw are abuzz about the family lately seen lounging around the grounds of White Hall, ancestral home of Mrs. Margaret Irwin. This reporter caught up with Mrs. Irwin and her Garden Club as they lunched at the Ceinture Noire restaurant last Tuesday. When asked about her new tenants, Mrs. Irwin explained that they are “a family of perfectly respectable hippies who have taken up residence on the back lawn.” At first, she was a little apprehensive about their unfamiliar dress and manner of speech. Leaning across her chicken salad plate to be heard, Mrs. Bea Moore interjected, “These hippies give themselves the most curious names that I just can’t remember.”

Said Mrs. Irwin, “They don’t do much, and spend most of their time on the kitchen porch. But they do have the nicest watermelon garden. And they just eat them up as soon as they are ripe. I guess I could let them live in the big house, but I knew they would be more comfortable back in the old kitchen. You know at first I thought they had two little girls with long blonde hair, but it turns out one of them is a boy. They call him Little Moon or something. He is so cute, but you know he’ll grow up to be a problem soon enough. Now I wouldn’t mind keeping the girl, oh, what is her name, River Lotus or something. I wouldn't mind keeping her around to help me in the house some. However, the other day I am pretty sure I recognized one of my chandelier crystals on the mamma’s rope necklace.”

Last Sunday morning at the First Baptist Church, during the third call to altar and the sixth chorus of “Just As I Am,” several faithful say that they heard what sounded like distant bongo music. “I went over to investigate after the service,” said Brother Bobby Smith, associate pastor. “I followed the sound to the grounds of White Hall and saw what looked like a reenactment of the book of Job—-they were all half naked and swaying, kinda dirty, with flowers and sackcloth, and the smell of burning rope was heavy in the air. I just let them be, because they must have their own sort of religion. They might be really good practice for our youth ministry before their mission trip to Costa Rica this summer.”

When asked about the new tenants, Willie Jackson, the Irwin family gardener said, “They ain’t fit to live at White Hall. My people been keeping up this place for generations, and now times is hard and Mrs. Irwin has got to take in the likes of those. I feel sorry for the children of those no-count hippies. Some folks got no shame at all.”—Miss Virginia "Tootsie" McAlpine, with W. G. Marion

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Piggly Wiggly Expands Selection of Organic and Local Foods

THOMASTON, AL—In the past few weeks, customers at Black Belt Piggly Wiggly stores may have noticed some changes on the shelves. At the urgent behest of a few customers from California and New York, local Piggly Wiggly stores have expanded their offerings to include locally grown, gourmet, and organic items. "We expanded our inventory in response to many requests from missionary home builders and folk art dealers who claimed that our store's selection was unhealthy and part of what was holding everyone in this area down. I'm not sure what that means, but we did expand our selection to take advantage of local producers. We had to get rid of one of the aisles of fried pies, honeybuns and Faygos to stock this stuff, but we want all of our regular customers to know that we will still have two aisles of those products to choose from," says night manager Dale Mailer. "Thanks to our recent improvements we are excited to announce that we now have three bins of fresh produce. That quadruples our previous offering."



In these new produce bins, adventurous customers will find organically grown poke salad greens and crabapples alongside locally-picked mushrooms. Even though the fried pie and aisle is reduced in size, discerning shoppers will spot a few new flavor offerings, including ripe persimmons and sweet potato. Among the tasty new offerings from Faygo are scuppernong and sorghum. There are some changes at the meat counter as well. In an attempt to reduce carbon footprints, Piggly Wiggly butchers have started to exploit local sources, offering flavorful free range chicken feet from heirloom Black Belt breeds, wild-caught snapping turtle fillets, and richly-textured wild turkey neckbones. On a recent Thursday, Californian Bruce commented on the new selection, "Um, yeah, it's local, but I wanted them to get stuff like Trader Joe's. I still don't really know what any of this stuff or how to cook pecan-fed wild boar tails."

Meanwhile, Mailer attempted to hand out samples of catfish roe on Captain’s Wafers. Reports Mailer, “Well, I don’t know how well this is going to work. The Yankee art dealers keep telling me catfish isn’t kosher and those west coast builders or whatever keep saying catfish isn’t vegan. Me, I say if it's good enough for Sunday dinner, it's kosher enough. And everybody knows that catfish ain't vegan. They'll eat anything you grind up small enough."

Others were more optimistic. New York folk art scout Ingrid Stein recently raved over the local bounty, “These quaint new selections are beautiful expressions of the rustic cuisine of authentic South! I could sell these packages of chicken feet in a Manhattan gallery tomorrow!”

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University Student Gains Victory, Dismissal in Forkland Traffic Court

Breedlow's Matchbox car sits in front of his recreated backdrop of the
Corcharane place.

On Thursday, a defeat was handed down to the Forkland Department of Public Safety and Transportation when Judge Clyde Hamilton dismissed charges against Dwight Breedlow. "This is a blow to the authority of the FDPST, people like Breedlow should not be allowed to run rampant in our streets and use those kind of gimmicks to escape justice" said James Penson, Director and Chief Executive of the department. The case before Judge Hamilton was a traffic violation that occurred while Breedlow, a library studies graduate student at the University of Alabama, was on an impromptu tour of south Greene County. The incident in question occurred at the town's stop sign, which is located where County Road 69 dead-ends into Martin Luther King, Jr. Drive (Old Highway 43). Penson contends that rather than making a legal stop, Breedlow "…made a Hollywood stop, then preceded onto Old 43 and made as wide a U turn as I've ever seen, almost striking the mailbox of the old Corcharane place, and you know that would have been a Federal offense, hitting a mailbox like that. For the sake of the public, I immediately pulled the driver over and issued him a citation."


Breedlow had nine weeks to prepare for his successful defense. In that time he constructed a scale model of a large portion of Forkland, reproducing each structure within 400 yards of the sign, with accurate renditions of minute architectural details. Each structure was augmented by notes on habitancy and state of disrepair. In the course of the trial, Judge Hamilton had Breedlow trace the path of his vehicle that July afternoon with Matchbox cars, much to the amusement of those in attendance. Before Penson had the opportunity to cross examine Breedlow on his version of the incident, Judge Hamilton dismissed the case, adding "Breedlow, don't you ever come back to Forkland!" before he abruptly retired to his chambers.

In a post-trial interview, Hamilton remarked that "in all my years on the bench I have never seen such verisimilitude in a model. The young man must have absolutely nothing going on in his life, and all that over sixty dollars." When asked why he dismissed the case, the judge responded "This whole thing was just Bucky (Penson) trying to replace that worn out uniform." Breedlow plans to now move on from the trial, stating "I have much to rebuild, this Dostoevskian ordeal has threatened everything I have, even my eighth year of funding through the Shiarpe Junior Fellowship is in peril." When asked about the Judge's warning, Breedlow quipped "I am a free citizen. Like Rousseau's natural man, I will travel whichever roads I choose." When asked to comment on the trial, Penson, who later that afternoon was found changing the oil of the Forkland cruiser, simply stated "This is a tough day for the citizens of Forkland. The FDPST plays a vital role in their defense and protection, and it must be supported by all branches of government."—Washington Greene Marion

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Personals Page

Complied by Tootsy McAlpine

Mrs. Edith Smaw has 30 years of Family Circle back issues available now for putting up winter insulation. First come, first get.

Flowers on the altar at St. Stephen's Episcopal Church on Sunday were given by Blayne Morissey in honor of his mother's 75th birthday.

Flowers on the altar at First Presbyterian Church on Sunday were given by Newell Dale in honor of the 140th anniversary of his ancestor Thacker Dale Newell's arrival in Greensboro.

Miss Virginia announces the Friends of the Greensboro Library's book club selection for the month: Caring for Your Family Heirlooms, Vols. 1 and 2 (1972). Following discussion and snickerdoodles, there will be a demonstration on gluing veneer by local craftsman Robert Couch.

Mr. and Mrs. Roy Pippin returned from their weekend trip to Campbell's Swamp, Mississippi for a homecoming dinner on the grounds at Golgotha Primitive Baptist Church. They enjoyed a fine reunion with many cousins around the Days Inn pool and courtyard. Read More and Comment...

Black Belt Native Infiltrates Dangerous Closed Society

Architecture typical of Bibb County's portable, ramshackle style

WEST BLOCKTON, AL—After graduating from the University of Alabama with a degree in public health, Greensboro debutante and Delta Delta Delta sorority president Greer Miller Thornton, Millie to her friends, accepted a career that put her further a field of the Black Belt than she expected. Thornton spent 18 months residing in the remote hills of the north Bibb County community of West Blocton. Although it was a change of pace from the sorority house, her 1998 model double wide trailer, the only available residence, has long been considered the most valuable house in the area, owing to posh features such a buried septic tank and above ground pool. The house also came with a trampoline, satellite dish, and four wheeler, immediately elevating the status of this cultured outsider.

During her time in Bibb County, Thornton was charged with collecting population demographic data, since US census bureau officials ardently refused to enter the area after the 1978 shooting of a census worker who inadvertently stumbled upon Dwight Blackwell’s marijuana patch and cock fighting arena. Thornton was unknowingly recognized by a community of males suspicious of outsiders on the basis of her 2004 appearance in the “Hot College Co-eds on Spring Break XIV” installment of the Girls Gone Wild video series. Says Maxine Williams, owner of the profitable local business Maxine’s Tan Stand,Video Rodeo, Dog Grooming and Small Engine Repair, “That’s the most popular video we got here. It even out-rented ‘Wrestlemania XLIV’, and that’s the one where Vince McMahon hit Triple H acrost the face with a chair for looking down his girlfriend’s shirt.”

Thornton’s unprecedented access to this insular community has allowed her to pull back the vinyl siding curtain and collect some surprising statistics concerning mortality rates. Based on her research, while the average life expectancy for women is near the national average at 78.4 years, males have a much shorter life expectancy, of roughly 44.8 years. What may be even more surprising are the leading causes of death for Bibb County males, which differ substantially from the national leaders of heart disease, cancer, and stroke. Says Thornton, “They simply don’t live long enough to develop these common diseases, so their effects are statistically insignificant.” Common causes of death for Bibb County males include: (1) stabbing, (2) pharmaceutical manufacturing equipment explosions, (3) all-terrain vehicle accidents, (4) rope swing failure, (5) drowning/alcohol poisoning, and (6) rabies. While women do live longer than men, Thornton has noted extremely high rates of (1) craniofacial fractures, (2) scalp trauma, (3) nail bed infections, and (4) dental attrition. Concerning her results, Thornton says, “These numbers raise disturbing questions about life for the residents of northern Bibb County. The only closely comparable death rates and causes of trauma are found in populations of seventeenth century Ukranian peasants.”

After a difficult 18 months of working, Thornton plans to marry her college sweetheart, Chapman Spencer, and move to Mountain Brook. She is not, however, abandoning the community of West Blocton. She is currently engrossed in planning a benefit for her new charity, Pour Out Our Reserves, Daughters of United Mountain Brook. Charity funds will be used to purchase replacement hair extensions for Bibb County women wounded in drunken honky-tonk and gas station parking lot brawls.

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Personals Page

Compiled by Tootsy McAlpine

The flowers on the altar last Sunday at First Presbyterian were given by Mr. and Mrs. Pickens in memory of their first cousin, Uncle Hillery Pickens.

Pastor Eddie wants to invite everyone to the Open Bible Holiness Church Reincarnate, Inc. annual tent revival for promised spiritual renewal, alleviating of mortage trouble, granting of miracles of incarceration, healing of marriage woes, and heavy time prayer. We are also looking for the donation of a large tent.

Calvary Missionary Baptist Church is offering a half-tithe discount to anyone who can come up with a clever saying for the weekly church sign. A month’s worth of sayings is the key to eternal salvation!!!

Newell Dale is selling fall chrysanthemums to support the Choir Robe Fund at First Presbyterian Church. See him after services to purchase yours and view sketches of the new robe design.

Blayne Morissey would like to remind everyone that he still has tickets left for the raffle to benefit St. Stephen's Episcopal Church ’s Fund for Choir Robes. The grand prize is a free performance by his men’s a capella quartet at an event of your choosing!

Bobo Foster has a brand new Book of Mormen [sic] for sale or donation for pick-up at her house on Bay Street.

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Demopolis History Bores Local Youth to Tears

DEMOPOLIS, AL—At the limits of boredom, Demopolis youth Cooper Barnesworth, aged 13, stumbled upon many uninteresting facts about his hometown’s history yesterday afternoon. Says Barnesworth, “I’m not surprised this town has been boring since those stupid French people moved here 200 years ago,” a discovery he made last Saturday in the Demopolis public library. As he tells it, “My mother was on the computer to make some name cards for her dumb chrysanthemum garden party or whatever, so I went to the library to check my MySpace there. But that stupid old lady librarian kicked me off after I was watching this video of a guy getting butted in the junk by a goat and laughing real loud.” At that point, Barnesworth opted not to go home out of sheer boredom, noting that he had already tired of watching episodes of “Next” on MTV and shooting squirrels with his BB gun. He explains, “I mean, maybe I could go swimming at the river or whatever, but all of my friends are on Saturday detention. Why did they have to set off all those fireworks in the urinal? Man, this place is so boring, nothing cool ever happens, and there’s nothing for a kid to do here!” Barnes also feared that if he went home he would be stuck helping his mother Elizabeth make cucumber sandwiches, hang chinese lanterns, or sculpt a centerpiece for the party.

In order to avoid further scolding at the hands of the librarian or having to go back out into the midday heat, Barnesworth ducked into the “Alabama Room,” only to be glared at by a dozen of the county's most withered and diligent geneaology researchers, approximately half of whom were accompanied by their always helpful and delightful bachelor sons. His only choice was to grab a book entitled History of Demopolis and Vicinity, written and self-published in 1957 by noted local spinster Virginia Mae Chastity, and find a seat. After only five minutes, Barnesworth returned the book to it’s shelf in disgust, noting, “Nothing has happened here since this stupid town was founded. Who cares about some story about how the author’s great-granddaddy’s mule got stuck in a mudhole a hundred years ago? And why do these old ladies care who their great-great-blah-blah-aunt married 100 years ago? Must be because nothing has happened since. I’m moving to Birmingham and buying some new comfortable furniture the first change I get!” Until that point, which may not happen until after he finishes college, Barnesworth will have to content himself by filling his spare time drinking in fields, driving his truck through the local mudbog, and searching his father’s vast timber tracts for game.
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Unexpected Altercation Creates Turmoil at Local Karaoke Night

The debris field of torn seersucker and carnation petals in the bar

area of Los Pampas after Tuesday's fisticuffs between two patrons

GREENSBORO, AL—What started as a genteel conversation about British royalty between two rival Anglophiles ended in an uncharacteristic bout on the karaoke stage at Los Pampas Tuesday evening. This reporter, who visited the scene after the melee, witnessed the resulting debris field of seersucker, shredded pocket squares, and lapel carnations. Involved in the so-called fight were well known young men Newell Dale and Blayne Morissey , both 38. Witnesses report that the confrontation started while Morissey passed by the table where Dale delighted his companions with tales of his sublime summer trip to England highlighted by a glimpse of the queen's corgis at Windsor Castle and a tour of the Cotswolds as the designated "Best Patron" of the Wixingham Boys Choir.

Everyone is aware that Dale and Morissey have been rivals since their public fall-out over the "Hello, Dolly!" costuming incident while they were both students at Southern Academy 20 years ago. Nora Baird, who was at Dale's table, recounted what happened at the restaurant. "Well, Blayne deliberately passed by the table on his way to the bathroom, just so he could butt in and say how much he loved the queen mother. Well, that just got Newell's goat, and he said that he loved her more and could prove it because he had been buying his mother clothes based on the queen mother's outfits for years. So then Blayne said that Newell was obviously lying because they don't sell tweed suits at Super Dollar and scoots off. Newell was really mad then, but I didn't think this would happen."

Based on the police report filed, the pair then spent the rest of their time in the restaurant exchanging heated glares, interspersed by eye rolls and head tosses.The one part of this story on which witnesses all agree is that the confrontation came to its breaking point when Dale began an a rousing karaoke rendition of "God Save the Queen", which was interrupted when Morrissey unplugged the machine. The ensuing melee was short-lived, thanks to the efforts of patron Wheylon Batz, who is in town from California on a home building mission.

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Roscoe Pippin to Move Truck

LINDEN, AL—In a surprise move no less remarkable than the delivery of a lost letter after thirty years in the dead letter office, Roscoe Pippin has apparently decided to try to crank the Ford pickup truck he parked in his front yard six feet from the side walk in 1978 and move it around back. The curiosity of area residents was stirred recently when Pippin was seen with the hood propped up, a gas can and a new Wal-Mart battery sitting on the tail gate of the rusted-out eye sore, which according to his neighbors has become an area landmark and source of irritation since the disco era. Pippin told The Vidalia he really couldn’t remember why he had parked the truck in his front yard back then, and added, “If it’ll crank I’ll go on and move it to the back if I can get that tree out”, referring to a four inch diameter twenty foot tall water oak growing through a large rust hole in the truck bed. As Pippin poked at one of the flat tires with his screw driver, he took a drag on his cigarette and joked, "I guess it’s gone make it hard to tell people looking for the new high school where the turn is on High Dairy Road when I move the old buggy.”—Clement P. Tate

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Personals Page

Compiled by Tootsy McAlpine

Mrs. Monroe Bay (nee Mackenzie Miller) has some extra needlepoint patterns of the county court house available at her house for a donation of $5 each. Proceeds go toward Greensboro Ladies' Committee to Clean-Up Our Courthouse Square Fund.

Reward! $25 for return of the O and the R from the Country Market Marlboro sign.

Bobby Gee wants to thank everybody who prayed for him after his rope swing accident. He is resting well at home in Sprott and will be back at work next week with his dad at Gee's Tire and Radiator.

Minnie Williams just celebrated 60 years with the Bay family. Congratulations, Minnie!

Over the weekend, Bobo Foster spotted some special visitors moving in with that Mormon family. She says they were nice-looking, clean-cut young men and may be knocking on your door very soon. She hopes that the good citizens of Greensboro will be polite and remember to offer uninvited house guests a glass of sherry if it's after lunch.

Found: A gold tooth was found in the parking lot of the Dollar General last Wednesday after closing. To identify and claim, see the daytime manager.

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Dayton Beneficiaries Receive Unexpected Inheritance

Examples of items from the hoard include decades-old K-Mart model cement that may
be priced in Confederate dollars and an ancient coupon for a long-defunct brand of soap.

DAYTON, AL—When the Black Belt’s oldest living resident, Mrs. Verna Pinson Penson died last month at the age of 113, she left behind a bewildering, if ultimately worthless, collection of hoarded refuse for her descendents. Within Penson’s modest Victorian cottage, her heirs, including children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and great-great-grandchildren, were amazed to find every drawer, cabinet, and even chair cushions bursting at the seams with items today’s wasteful young folks would consider garbage. The most common items included bread bags, scraps of used aluminum foil, plastic rings from the lids of milk jugs, and long-expired coupons for canned peas and frozen pie shells.

While the utility of saving some of the items eluded younger generations of Mrs. Penson’s descendants, her son and next-door neighbor, Eustace Pinson Penson, aged 93 explained, “Her mother told her about the blockade and Reconstruction, and she lived through the Great Depression and two World Wars. Of course, so did I.” Mr. Penson further explained, “All of this supposed garbage could be used again. Those bread bags could be used to store leftovers, or as booties or a hat to keep out rain. Sometimes the Piggly Wiggly girl doesn’t look, and she’ll take an expired coupon. It’s a small victory.” All descendants were clueless, however, as to the purpose of saving milk jug rings.

Penson’s grandchildren were decidedly less understanding. Linda Penson Cortez, a 61 year-old Sedona, AZ resident, found her grandmother’s behavior exhausting. “She once came behind me and took a hunk of moldy cheese and pile of potato peels I was throwing away out of the garbage, saying she would eat them later.” Nearby family members nodded in assent, since few of them could suppress the haunting memories of that fateful 1995 Thanksgiving when Mrs. Penson gave half her family food poisoning after serving an inadequately reheated, half eaten turkey leftover from the previous year’s meal and then refused to allow any family members to seek medical treatment, instead foisting expired pink bismuth down their throats.

The younger generations of the Penson family reacted to the collection with amusement, astonishment, and horror. “I mean, some of this stuff is old. I think some of these prices are actually in Confederate dollars,” noted great-great-granddaughter Elyse Cortez, a history student at Radford College. Since she has never lived in and seldom visited the area, Miss Cortez is likely unaware that the Black Belt was slow to accept that Alabama had in fact rejoined the Union, and Confederate dollars were considered legal tender in Marengo County until their value collapsed when President Richard M. Nixon abolished the American gold standard in 1971.

Family members are expected to remain in Dayton until the house is emptied of trash. Provided they can sustain 12-hour work days, the task should be completed in roughly 10 days. The final destination of the Mrs. Penson’s hoard is currently being kept a secret, primarily to prevent Eustace from scavenging the materials.

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Restaurant Review | The Free-Zee Spot

A Rainbow of Fruit Flavors, Revived

reviewed by Lutius Quintus Cincinattus Tait

** (Very Good)

For owner and executive ice shaver Christie Vickers, the journey to create the Free-Zee Spot has been long, arduous, and fraught with tension. Everyone who spent any time at the intersection of Hale County Road 34 and Alabama Highway 25 knows the story of Vickers’ contentious split with former partner Wanda Tift, after she refused to allow Tift to use profits from their joint venture, The Eskimo Hut, to bail her brother out of jail. After their bitter argument, local snow cone aficionados worried that the ensuing small claims court battle might rob Vickers of the urge to create sugary, colorful masterpieces for which she has become renowned during the hot summer months. Fellow gourmands, it is time to rejoice, because Vickers has rejoined the ranks of the shaved ice masters with her daring new snow cone stand, the Free-Zee Spot.

Let’s start with the location, which in the snow cone stand business is everything. The Free-Zee spot is nestled in a cozy corner of the Buddy’s Parade gas station parking lot in Moundville, where it attracts traffic from both Alabama Highway 69 South and Centerville Street. The fluorescent blue exterior of the small storage shed attracts the eye with its garishness and evokes the cool feel of the ice that is central to the snow cone. Despite its gaudy, humble storage shed exterior, the stand draws in crowds of Moundville’s most celebrated residents. On one afternoon visit, I spied the local deputy police chief and the Employee of the Month from Hinson’s Grocery.

It wouldn’t be an understatement to say that the stand seems like a one-woman show. On a recent Wednesday night where temperatures climbed to nearly 98 degrees, I was forced to wait in line nearly 15 minutes while numerous families cycled through on their way home from church. The line was held up considerably while Vickers combed the crowd in search of change for a $10 bill. Other days, the stand was inexplicably closed, with handmade signs pasted to the front stating things like, “Temporarily Closed. Will open following Carrie Underwood’s appearance on Oprah”, and “Gone to Dollar Gen. Back n 15 min.” The casual diner is advised to call the Buddy’s Parade and ensure the Free-Zee Spot is open before riding up the road for snow cones.

For the most part, Vickers’ stays true to her training at the Eskimo Hut in her flavor combinations. The stand offers some 42 single flavors, which can be ordered from a list of pre-defined combinations or selected at will by the customer. Selecting more than 3 flavors will incur an additional $.25 charge per flavor. Some choices, such as the Auburn Tiger special, consisting of stripes of blue raspberry and orange flavor syrup are so dull they seem like they were copied directly from the standard industry textbook, Snow Cones for Dummies. In some cases, sticking with what seems like a basic standard pays off in spades for Vickers. It doesn’t matter that the Hale County Wildcat salute is a rehashing of the old standard banana and grape mixture; the flavor combination was so sugary, cold, and delicious on a hot day that I forgot I was in an asphalt parking lot and imagined instead I was a child wandering the dirt lots of the county fair, still nauseous from the motion of the tilt-a-whirl and stench of livestock.

With new flavors, like mojito, which tastes suspiciously like lemon-lime soda syrup, and mango, Vickers’ stretches the boundaries of typical snow cone flavors to their limits. However, the selection of flavors is not all dreams of sugary syrup in ice. I found the flavor of the peach/bubblegum combination to be cloyingly sweet and the color palette of orange and pink clashed badly. The rainbow of flavors is overly ambitious, and in combination the cherry, orange, lemon, apple, and blue raspberry flavors become muddled and indistinguishable. Depending on which night I visited, portions of syrup dispensed varied wildly from stingy to excessive.

Even with these few stumbles, the Free-Zee Spot makes a valuable contribution to Moundville’s culinary landscape. Vickers has stepped admirably into the void created by the demise of the Eskimo Hut, and has started to build her own shaved ice castle.

* *

Corner of AL Hwy 69 and Centerville Street, Moundville

ATMOSPHERE: A dusty, garbage strewn asphalt parking lot, surrounded by clouds of exhaust
SOUND LEVEL: Loud during morning and afternoon rush hours. Expect to hear jake brakes,
sirens, car stereos, and engine noise.
RECOMMENDED DISHES: Hale County Wildcat Special (banana and grape), mojito, mango, red
WINE LIST: Numerous flavors of Boone’s Farm available at the nearby Buddy’s Parade
Convenience Store.
PRICE RANGE: Small $1.50, Medium $2.25, Large $3.00, Jumbo, $4.25.
HOURS: Sporadic, typically closed during local airings of “The Oprah Winfrey Show” and Dollar
General clearance events.
RESERVATIONS: Call Buddy’s Parade for priority space in line.
CREDIT CARDS: Cash only, no rolls of pennies accepted.
WHEELCHAIR ACCESS: Accessible
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Demopolis Widow Wills Mansion to Attic Residents

The Bonner home, which was recently willed to a sizable pack of raccoons.

DEMOPOLIS, AL—In a move that surprised and disappointed her descendants, widow Evelyn Bonner willed her property, a nineteenth-century mansion with nine adjacent, overgrown acres, to a family of raccoons who resided in the upper floors of the house. Bonner passed away two weeks ago at the age of 104. In her video will, she explains, "The raccoons should get the house. They moved into the attic 30 years ago. Twenty-five years ago, they moved down into the upstairs, and it's been 24 years since I have been up there to check on them. They seemed considerate. I only hear them scratching around in the early evening and around dawn. They only raided my kitchen garbage twice a week and usually defecated in the corners. Plus, they certainly stuck around, unlike all my children and grandchildren, who moved to Birmingham first chance they got."

Lawyer Dickie Bay, who served as executor, also noted that Mrs. Bonner had expressed some concern that her son would clear the lot behind the house and fill it with cheap rental trailers or that her daughter-in-law would open an ill-conceived "back-to-nature" bed and breakfast attempting to attract urbanites by promising nightly viewing of raccoon antics. Says Bay, "She wanted the house to remain a stately manor inhabited by someone with generations of breeding, and those raccoons certainly had been breeding in her attic for many generations." The only question now is whether the raccoons will plan on evicting the thousands of bats who call the attic home now that they have officially taken control of the property. The new principal owner of the house, the alpha raccoon known to Mrs. Bonner as Mr. Bandit, was not available for comment.

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Porch Collapse Triggers Domino Effect in Uniontown

File photo of the porch that started the collapse, at the home of Mrs. Antoinette Tubbs on Northwest Street

UNIONTOWN, AL—The dust has finally settled after a weekend calamity in Uniontown that started with the collapse of a single porch roof and ended in a landscape of splintered wood, disoriented chickens, and scattered asphalt shingles. Observers pinpoint the moment of the collapse to roughly 3:20 p.m., when a single pigeon landed on the sagging front porch roof of a two-story Victorian home inhabited by Antoinette Tubbs, 84. Apparently, the rotting wood comprising the porch roof exceeded its carrying capacity for vermin and collapsed under the load. Amid the crashing of timbers and shingles were heard the squawks, barks, and squeaks of fleeing bats, squirrels, and birds. A lone possum was also witnessed fleeing the scene. Ms. Tubbs was quoted as saying, “That bird was just one too many, I guess, but what can you do? They gotta stay someplace, too.”

In an unfortunate turn of events, the tremors created when the porch crashed to the ground prompted a simultaneous implosion of decaying verandas at half a dozen other dilapidated nineteenth century structures. As Perry County Sheriff’s deputy Ralph Brooks looked out over the chaotic scene on West Street, he noted, “I suppose this was bound to happen sometime. We’re just lucky no one was seriously harmed, and that we don’t have any county building codes. That way, everyone can just push aside the rubble and return to life as usual.”

In fact, aside from the throngs of pest animals suddenly rendered homeless, only a single minor injury was sustained. Ms. Tubbs brother, Festus Porter, 79, a resident of a decaying Neo-classical home on the next block, sustained a bruised hip. Paramedics note that Mr. Porter was fortunate to have his head in a broken avocado green refrigerator while he stripped copper parts from the cooling system. The ancient steel appliance shielded him from a direct blow by a roof girder. Some neighbors believe a higher power may have been at work protecting Mr. Porter, since he reportedly placed the refrigerator on the porch after it stopped working in the late 1980s. Although he frequently mentioned that he needed to repair the appliance, thus far he had never been witnessed working on it. “I don’t know why he was out there today after all them years. I think Jesus told him to work on that icebox,” mused neighbor and local entrepreneur Perkins “Peeps” Pate.

For the most part, local residents are taking the collapse in strides; however, one resident, social worker Ellen Barnes, has raised some concerns about lasting effects. Barnes notes, “The amount of particulate matter from asbestos, bat guano, and bird and rodent feces that was ejected into the atmosphere as a result of the collapse may have lasting effects on the respiratory health of Northwest Street residents.” Perry County health department officials who visited the scene noted that they did not seem to have any trouble breathing during their five minute tour and declared the area safe for children and the elderly. Read More and Comment...

Individual with Least Number of Ancestors Found in Hale County Outhouse

GREENSBORO, AL-Mr. Inge Hobson Hobson Inge was discovered last week by Robbie Furrow while clearing a one acre mass of wisteria vines from behind the storied Inge Hobson home, the first house to be condemned by the county since Reconstruction. Local lawyer Dickie Bay declared Mr. Inge a product of impeccable breeding, who may, on paper, be the most eligible bachelor in Greensboro. Mr. Inge, who insists on calling his outhouse a "dependency," has not been seen in public since his mother, Hobson Inge Inge Hobson Inge, known as Miss Hi, was laid to rest in 1978. Apparently, he has been holed up in the dependency with only one servant for 30 years, subsisting on pickled peaches that his great great great aunt Inginea Hobson Inge canned and hid in preparation for the advance of the Union army. Now that the county has learned that the property is inhabited by Mr. Inge, they have rescinded the condemnation order and will allow the wisteria, and nature, to take its course.—Marion Morgan

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Under Construction

A most gracious welcome to The Vidalia blog! Currently, our correspondents are putting the finishing touches on stories about contemporary life in the Black Belt. Check back later for updates! Read More and Comment...