Porch Collapse Triggers Domino Effect in Uniontown

File photo of the porch that started the collapse, at the home of Mrs. Antoinette Tubbs on Northwest Street

UNIONTOWN, AL—The dust has finally settled after a weekend calamity in Uniontown that started with the collapse of a single porch roof and ended in a landscape of splintered wood, disoriented chickens, and scattered asphalt shingles. Observers pinpoint the moment of the collapse to roughly 3:20 p.m., when a single pigeon landed on the sagging front porch roof of a two-story Victorian home inhabited by Antoinette Tubbs, 84. Apparently, the rotting wood comprising the porch roof exceeded its carrying capacity for vermin and collapsed under the load. Amid the crashing of timbers and shingles were heard the squawks, barks, and squeaks of fleeing bats, squirrels, and birds. A lone possum was also witnessed fleeing the scene. Ms. Tubbs was quoted as saying, “That bird was just one too many, I guess, but what can you do? They gotta stay someplace, too.”

In an unfortunate turn of events, the tremors created when the porch crashed to the ground prompted a simultaneous implosion of decaying verandas at half a dozen other dilapidated nineteenth century structures. As Perry County Sheriff’s deputy Ralph Brooks looked out over the chaotic scene on West Street, he noted, “I suppose this was bound to happen sometime. We’re just lucky no one was seriously harmed, and that we don’t have any county building codes. That way, everyone can just push aside the rubble and return to life as usual.”

In fact, aside from the throngs of pest animals suddenly rendered homeless, only a single minor injury was sustained. Ms. Tubbs brother, Festus Porter, 79, a resident of a decaying Neo-classical home on the next block, sustained a bruised hip. Paramedics note that Mr. Porter was fortunate to have his head in a broken avocado green refrigerator while he stripped copper parts from the cooling system. The ancient steel appliance shielded him from a direct blow by a roof girder. Some neighbors believe a higher power may have been at work protecting Mr. Porter, since he reportedly placed the refrigerator on the porch after it stopped working in the late 1980s. Although he frequently mentioned that he needed to repair the appliance, thus far he had never been witnessed working on it. “I don’t know why he was out there today after all them years. I think Jesus told him to work on that icebox,” mused neighbor and local entrepreneur Perkins “Peeps” Pate.

For the most part, local residents are taking the collapse in strides; however, one resident, social worker Ellen Barnes, has raised some concerns about lasting effects. Barnes notes, “The amount of particulate matter from asbestos, bat guano, and bird and rodent feces that was ejected into the atmosphere as a result of the collapse may have lasting effects on the respiratory health of Northwest Street residents.” Perry County health department officials who visited the scene noted that they did not seem to have any trouble breathing during their five minute tour and declared the area safe for children and the elderly.