Demopolis History Bores Local Youth to Tears

DEMOPOLIS, AL—At the limits of boredom, Demopolis youth Cooper Barnesworth, aged 13, stumbled upon many uninteresting facts about his hometown’s history yesterday afternoon. Says Barnesworth, “I’m not surprised this town has been boring since those stupid French people moved here 200 years ago,” a discovery he made last Saturday in the Demopolis public library. As he tells it, “My mother was on the computer to make some name cards for her dumb chrysanthemum garden party or whatever, so I went to the library to check my MySpace there. But that stupid old lady librarian kicked me off after I was watching this video of a guy getting butted in the junk by a goat and laughing real loud.” At that point, Barnesworth opted not to go home out of sheer boredom, noting that he had already tired of watching episodes of “Next” on MTV and shooting squirrels with his BB gun. He explains, “I mean, maybe I could go swimming at the river or whatever, but all of my friends are on Saturday detention. Why did they have to set off all those fireworks in the urinal? Man, this place is so boring, nothing cool ever happens, and there’s nothing for a kid to do here!” Barnes also feared that if he went home he would be stuck helping his mother Elizabeth make cucumber sandwiches, hang chinese lanterns, or sculpt a centerpiece for the party.

In order to avoid further scolding at the hands of the librarian or having to go back out into the midday heat, Barnesworth ducked into the “Alabama Room,” only to be glared at by a dozen of the county's most withered and diligent geneaology researchers, approximately half of whom were accompanied by their always helpful and delightful bachelor sons. His only choice was to grab a book entitled History of Demopolis and Vicinity, written and self-published in 1957 by noted local spinster Virginia Mae Chastity, and find a seat. After only five minutes, Barnesworth returned the book to it’s shelf in disgust, noting, “Nothing has happened here since this stupid town was founded. Who cares about some story about how the author’s great-granddaddy’s mule got stuck in a mudhole a hundred years ago? And why do these old ladies care who their great-great-blah-blah-aunt married 100 years ago? Must be because nothing has happened since. I’m moving to Birmingham and buying some new comfortable furniture the first change I get!” Until that point, which may not happen until after he finishes college, Barnesworth will have to content himself by filling his spare time drinking in fields, driving his truck through the local mudbog, and searching his father’s vast timber tracts for game.