Personals Page

Compiled by Tootsy McAlpine

SUCCUMBED, Iola Newbigging, aged 91, after a brief illness following the capture of her 42 cats by the newly established Hale County Humane Society.

Free cats available to loving homes. Not fixed, only occasionally litter trained. Will eat only hard candy, sausage grease, and moldy biscuits. Prefer Queen Charlotte’s Dainty Fine Dry Snuff to cat nip. Pick up at the Hale County Humane Society office during their open hours, Mondays 2-3 p.m.

The flowers on the altar at Atkins Station Church of Christ were placed by Mr.Wilton Leakes in honor of the 40th anniversary of his brother Milton’s deathby drowning in the bathtub after the Inaugural All-You-Can-Eat Special at The Paw Paw Patch.

LOST, during margarita night at Los Pampas last Thursday night, one pink suede bracelet with rhinestone letters spelling “Biatch.” Some rhinestones may be missing. Call Krystal at 334-111-7588.

HELP WANTED, due to increase in customers after good review in The Vidalia, we need some more day shift helpers at the Fast ‘n’ Easy Gas ‘n’ GuzzleChicken Counter. Must have steel toe boots. Hair nets and grease socks supplied.

Mrs. Edith Smaw still has some Family Circles available for winter insulation.Back issues from 1960 to 1963 up next.

Blayne Morrisey found a dirty black sharpei eating from his garbage can last night. Appears to have fleas and beginning onset of the mange. Can be picked up at his house any time before dark, except on Nov. 24 during remembrance of Prince Charles’ birthday.

Read More and Comment...

Loose Goats Overrun Courthouse, Ingest 50 Years of Historic County Records

Alleged alpha goat, known to his owner Rufus Thomas as Slick Billie Clinton.

EUTAW—Local history was dealt a stunning blow last week in the seat of Greene County, when nearly 50 years worth of court records were destroyed by loose livestock. Greene County Chief Forensic Investigator, Traffic Engineer, and Justice of the Peace Roy Mailer has been attempting to reconstruct the chain of events that culminated with the discovery of a herd of goats inside the old county courthouse, where they dined upon bound rolls of nineteenth century court records. Says Mailer, "It was a disturbing scene. They were treating the inside of the courthouse like their own personal buffet and toilet."

The two dozen rogue goats were part of a herd kept in a small yard two blocks off of the Eutaw town square by Rufus Collins. In an exclusive interview, Collins explained his business plan to Vidalia, "I got them goats for from the Mexicans what come to town recently. I sell the milk to the Piggly Wiggly, and tell 'em it's organic or free range or whatever it is that them Yankee hippies want. Sometimes I'll sell one to a group of proper young Southern men come down from the University. I don't know what that's about, but they's money in goats."


In a sparsely attended press conference, Mailer recreated the chain of events on the fateful day. Says Mailer, "At noon, 106 year old widow Mrs. Henrietta White Pitt set out from her home on Mesopotamia Street in her 1985 Cadillac Sedan DeVille on her Monday trip to the Piggly Wiggly. While in route to the store, Mrs. Pitt apparently became confused, thinking that the metal goat shed was in fact the grocery store. She turned her car into the goat pen, knocking down the electric fence. Realizing she was in the wrong place, she then backed away and left the scene. There were no witnesses, since most town motorists and pedestrians tend to take cover around the time of her weekly grocery store run. Officer Penson was immediately able to identify the mark of Mrs. Pitt's vehicle by the familiar telltale streaks of yellow paint on the crushed goat shed."


Mailer further explained that the goats, sensing a weakness in the fence, poured out of their pen and made their way into the town square. Their point of ingress to the old courthouse was a broken first-story window. Mailer, who is also the Eutaw City Manager, reports, "That window has been broken for two years. Someone smashed it one weekend during a one-time performance by Rappin' Preacher Jerome and Family's Traveling Tent Revival Extravaganza on Pentecost Sunday. I suspect it occurred during a rousing chorus of 'Ride On King Jesus'. I've told our county maintenance man to fix that window, but panes haven't been in stock in at the hardware store since the 2005 hurricane season."


Mailer estimates the goats were inside the old courthouse for roughly an hour before Collins noticed they were missing. According to the official report of events, during that brief span, the ravenous hoard managed to consume the bulk of the first 50 years of Greene County legal history. Mailer is considering urging fellow members of the County Commission to vote on an ordinance banning livestock within a five block radius of the courthouse.


Other locals have differing opinions, however. Liddy White Kirk, Mrs. Pitt's 86 year-old great-niece, expressed some skepticism at the version of events offered up by the local government. "Well," says Kirk, "It's not like those court rolls hadn't been damaged by all the rain coming in that broken window long before the goats got in there. Roy is just looking for someone to blame, since the county hasn't collected enough taxes to be able to afford to fix that window. You know, he's also the Tax Assessor." Charges will not be filed against Mrs. Pitt for leaving the scene of the accident, since, as Mailer says, "All parties involved know that it's Rufus's dang fault for putting that stupid goat pen right along Mrs. Pitt's Piggly Wiggly route."
Read More and Comment...