Demopolis Widow Wills Mansion to Attic Residents

The Bonner home, which was recently willed to a sizable pack of raccoons.

DEMOPOLIS, AL—In a move that surprised and disappointed her descendants, widow Evelyn Bonner willed her property, a nineteenth-century mansion with nine adjacent, overgrown acres, to a family of raccoons who resided in the upper floors of the house. Bonner passed away two weeks ago at the age of 104. In her video will, she explains, "The raccoons should get the house. They moved into the attic 30 years ago. Twenty-five years ago, they moved down into the upstairs, and it's been 24 years since I have been up there to check on them. They seemed considerate. I only hear them scratching around in the early evening and around dawn. They only raided my kitchen garbage twice a week and usually defecated in the corners. Plus, they certainly stuck around, unlike all my children and grandchildren, who moved to Birmingham first chance they got."

Lawyer Dickie Bay, who served as executor, also noted that Mrs. Bonner had expressed some concern that her son would clear the lot behind the house and fill it with cheap rental trailers or that her daughter-in-law would open an ill-conceived "back-to-nature" bed and breakfast attempting to attract urbanites by promising nightly viewing of raccoon antics. Says Bay, "She wanted the house to remain a stately manor inhabited by someone with generations of breeding, and those raccoons certainly had been breeding in her attic for many generations." The only question now is whether the raccoons will plan on evicting the thousands of bats who call the attic home now that they have officially taken control of the property. The new principal owner of the house, the alpha raccoon known to Mrs. Bonner as Mr. Bandit, was not available for comment.

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Porch Collapse Triggers Domino Effect in Uniontown

File photo of the porch that started the collapse, at the home of Mrs. Antoinette Tubbs on Northwest Street

UNIONTOWN, AL—The dust has finally settled after a weekend calamity in Uniontown that started with the collapse of a single porch roof and ended in a landscape of splintered wood, disoriented chickens, and scattered asphalt shingles. Observers pinpoint the moment of the collapse to roughly 3:20 p.m., when a single pigeon landed on the sagging front porch roof of a two-story Victorian home inhabited by Antoinette Tubbs, 84. Apparently, the rotting wood comprising the porch roof exceeded its carrying capacity for vermin and collapsed under the load. Amid the crashing of timbers and shingles were heard the squawks, barks, and squeaks of fleeing bats, squirrels, and birds. A lone possum was also witnessed fleeing the scene. Ms. Tubbs was quoted as saying, “That bird was just one too many, I guess, but what can you do? They gotta stay someplace, too.”

In an unfortunate turn of events, the tremors created when the porch crashed to the ground prompted a simultaneous implosion of decaying verandas at half a dozen other dilapidated nineteenth century structures. As Perry County Sheriff’s deputy Ralph Brooks looked out over the chaotic scene on West Street, he noted, “I suppose this was bound to happen sometime. We’re just lucky no one was seriously harmed, and that we don’t have any county building codes. That way, everyone can just push aside the rubble and return to life as usual.”

In fact, aside from the throngs of pest animals suddenly rendered homeless, only a single minor injury was sustained. Ms. Tubbs brother, Festus Porter, 79, a resident of a decaying Neo-classical home on the next block, sustained a bruised hip. Paramedics note that Mr. Porter was fortunate to have his head in a broken avocado green refrigerator while he stripped copper parts from the cooling system. The ancient steel appliance shielded him from a direct blow by a roof girder. Some neighbors believe a higher power may have been at work protecting Mr. Porter, since he reportedly placed the refrigerator on the porch after it stopped working in the late 1980s. Although he frequently mentioned that he needed to repair the appliance, thus far he had never been witnessed working on it. “I don’t know why he was out there today after all them years. I think Jesus told him to work on that icebox,” mused neighbor and local entrepreneur Perkins “Peeps” Pate.

For the most part, local residents are taking the collapse in strides; however, one resident, social worker Ellen Barnes, has raised some concerns about lasting effects. Barnes notes, “The amount of particulate matter from asbestos, bat guano, and bird and rodent feces that was ejected into the atmosphere as a result of the collapse may have lasting effects on the respiratory health of Northwest Street residents.” Perry County health department officials who visited the scene noted that they did not seem to have any trouble breathing during their five minute tour and declared the area safe for children and the elderly. Read More and Comment...

Individual with Least Number of Ancestors Found in Hale County Outhouse

GREENSBORO, AL-Mr. Inge Hobson Hobson Inge was discovered last week by Robbie Furrow while clearing a one acre mass of wisteria vines from behind the storied Inge Hobson home, the first house to be condemned by the county since Reconstruction. Local lawyer Dickie Bay declared Mr. Inge a product of impeccable breeding, who may, on paper, be the most eligible bachelor in Greensboro. Mr. Inge, who insists on calling his outhouse a "dependency," has not been seen in public since his mother, Hobson Inge Inge Hobson Inge, known as Miss Hi, was laid to rest in 1978. Apparently, he has been holed up in the dependency with only one servant for 30 years, subsisting on pickled peaches that his great great great aunt Inginea Hobson Inge canned and hid in preparation for the advance of the Union army. Now that the county has learned that the property is inhabited by Mr. Inge, they have rescinded the condemnation order and will allow the wisteria, and nature, to take its course.—Marion Morgan

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Under Construction

A most gracious welcome to The Vidalia blog! Currently, our correspondents are putting the finishing touches on stories about contemporary life in the Black Belt. Check back later for updates! Read More and Comment...